John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmicks.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One
day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a
robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old s on,
returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you
been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,"
said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him
off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy go t up, sat down and said,
"I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied
to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly
knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you
ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is
your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Posted to Craig's List Personals:

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-03-23, 3:43AM EST

I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend.  You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.   

I hope you somehow come across this message.  I'd like to apologize.  I didn't expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.

Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside.  You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening.  Beautiful pistol, eh?  It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?

I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants.  I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me.  I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again.  I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation.  I also bought myself and four other people in the gas station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card.  The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!  I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet.  I threw the wallet in a fancy pink  "pimp mobile" parked at the curb after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the drivers side.  I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone.  They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones.  Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that.  I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service.  I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI with it.  The FBI guy was really pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number).  I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated.  I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life.  Next time you might not be so lucky....

Alex

P.S. Remember this motto......  an armed society is a polite society!

*************************************

John was in the fertilized egg business.  He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.  He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. 

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells And attached them to his roosters.  Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.  Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. 

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed Old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!  When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.  To John's amazement, Old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.  He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. 

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. 

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.  Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention. 

Vote carefully this year, the bells are not always audible.

Some notable quotes

Australian Cartoons